Friday, February 20, 2009

I Can't See..

My little cousin was 12 when she was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Prior to that, she was treated and medicated (heavily) for depression. One of the biggest problems for her diagnosis was her lack of communication. It's not that she couldn't's that she didn't want to. She remained silent during therapy sessions, during psychiatric evaluations, etc.

It took almost two years for her to be diagnosed as a schizophrenic. Even now, the doctor's aren't 100% sure of what's really going on with her since she mostly remains silent - except when she clings to her father and tells him the voices are talking again.

From the various medications she's gained a lot of weight - so much so that she struggles to walk these days.

I call her kind of regularly to check up on her - try to treat her as normally as possible - even though our conversations take on a life of their own. Two weeks ago she told me she's going to get married and have 18 kids. And that her mom and dad will watch her kids when she goes to work as at Taco Bell.

This afternoon she told me that she wished her dad would pay someone to kill her. So he wouldn't go to jail and then the voices would stop. I told her she was silly. Everyone would miss her so much..and we all loved her a lot.

And then I hung up the phone and bawled.

What it must be wish for someone to end your life..

To be a parent watching your child suffer..and not having a way to help.

I can't imagine what any of it must feel like.

The pain, the despair, the helplessness.

I don't even know..what I wanted out of this post. Just to share I guess.



wtchy said...

*Hugs you tightly*
thank you for sharing bliss, puts things into perspective somehow....

Parker said...


Sometimes you just need to share in order to keep it in perspective for yourself. Your sharing has helped me to see things in my life from a different view. You are all in my thoughts.