Faith, Hope and Love - Part I

As most of you know, my Thanksgiving didn't go as planned.

Thursday morning, Thanksgiving morning, I stood in the kitchen facing the stove, dicing apples to cook with. My dad came in from outside, sat at the kitchen table..and in the background, above the tv playing the Thanksgiving day parade, I heard he and my 9 year old nephew talking. He was going to put peanut butter on some crackers for my nephew.

And then my nephew said.."Papa..are you okay? Papa what's wrong?"

I turned around and my dad was face down on the table. I pulled him up and held him I shouted to my mom to call 911. She ran around and grabbed my dad, screaming.

I ran around her and grabbed the phone while my sister and brother-in-law lifted him off of the chair and laid him out in the kitchen.

His teeth were clenched, so we had to pry his mouth open. My sister did that. Talking to 911 was a blur. I did it between breathing into his mouth..listening to my sister count compressions on his chest..and blocking out my mom screaming in the background. I could hear him taking

The FDNY arrived first..they took over the CPR and the FDNY paramedics arrived right after them followed by NYPD.

Everything went by so quickly..yet so slowly.

A firefighter had his arm around me while he tried to complete a form with my dad's name, birthday, etc. And when they said "CLEAR!" and shocked him, he hid my face. But I saw what I saw.

They shocked him four times.

My sister threw me a pair of pants from the stairs and I pulled on my sneakers and ran outside of the house where they were preparing to carry him out.

And if I said I was holding it together, I'd be a liar. I was bawling and my mom and I were holding each other outside. My aunt came; later we found out my brother-in-law called her as soon as it happened.

You see. He's not just MY dad.

He's the dad to everyone in our family. My mom's father passed away when they were young, so my dad became THEIR dad in a way. He raised my aunt from the age of 5 - she's 50 now.

My aunt drove us to the hospital, my sister and I and her husband. My brother-in-law stayed home with the kids.

The next few hours were painful. Seeing my dad in the ER undergoing a process they called the Arctic Sun to drop his body temperature. He was on a respirator. He was unresponsive.

I cried so much..everything blurred. The nights and the days..and the people..and everything was numb.

The doctor's told us he was in a deep coma.

They said we needed to come to terms with the fact that he was not going to wake up - that this body laying there was the best things were going to get.

They told me he couldn't even hear me speaking to him.

His prognosis was POOR. Very, very poor. They all said the same thing. From that point on, every doctor that came in to tell me something negative..I threw out.

I cried. I stopped sleeping..eating..going home..going to work. I stopped everything because..without my dad..without his voice every day..without his smile..his eyes..without HIM..my world stopped.

I just sat next to his bed and I prayed. And I talked to him. I begged him to wake up. I begged him to come home.

On the Monday after his collapse, doctors started coming in..telling me we needed to think about making him comfortable in his last days.

My family called me and told me to come home..we had a lot to discuss as a family. My dad's wishes were ALWAYS clear. He did NOT want to be kept alive by any machines. I knew the talk that was coming.

And I did not go home for it.

I cried so much that day, the nurses cried with me.

That night, I finally went home. We sat around and all talked. And I did what I always do. I said what I had to say and I left.

You see..my dad always knew. He knew that if the time should come when he needed to be taken off of machines that were keeping him alive, I would not be able to do it. He knew I'd fight and find a way to keep him with me.

So I said.."I know dad's wishes..I agree with what you've all decided. But in my heart, I can't do it. It's like we're giving up hope on him. If it were me in that bed, he'd never..give up on me." With that, I crawled into my dad's bed and went to sleep. All I could contribute to the discussion had been said.

Tuesday morning, my mom, my older sister and I laid in my parents bed and cried. We were supposed to sign the paperwork to take him off of the respirator at 10:30 AM.

It was all so somber. The drive to the hospital. The silence as we all walked the halls.

We sat through everything..hospices for his last days..moving his body. My oldest brother left the room. He couldn't take it. My sister held my mom's hand while she signed the DNR and the order to remove the respirator.

I broke down and left the room in tears. I laid on the bed next to my dad and told him..he didn't have long left..he needed to wake up NOW. I cried until I was even amazed that I had tears left.

I left the hospital shortly after..laid on my cousin's couch and ached inside. After about an hour, we headed back to the hospital and as I got off of the elevator, my oldest sister was standing there waiting.

"Daddy moved his foot."

That was all I needed. I dropped my coat and bag and headed back to his room. And it was true. He moved his feet..and his hands..and his head. He was still unconcious, but he was MOVING.

So we stood there..and debated. Were these simply reflexes from the coma? Or was he finally waking up?

After a while, we decided..we couldn't do it. Despite what the doctors were saying..we had to give him a chance. So we pulled back the order and had the paperwork removed.

This blog is getting long now. And I'm tired. LOL

So I'm posting this..and I'll continue the rest later. :) Long story. Believe me..and the yet hasn't even been written - so I can't share that with you.


XOXO,
B

The Bubble Butt!!!!

http://wehatewhatyourewearing.blogspot.com/

AMEN.

ROFL!


B

and....

Yet another reason to love Jay Z. :P to Perez.

http://perezhilton.com/2009-11-23-whipped-jay-z-refuses-to-take-pics


Xoxo,
B

Oh..Fudge..

Well, I've fallen into a blog RUT.

Not that I don't have anything to say..I always have a lot to say.

But..

It's just that I'm at this point in my SLife..where I guess.....

How do I say this..

I'm kinda happy.

Lame, I know! I feel like I'm walking on ICE. LOL

:) But I'm kinda happy just..doing what I do now. Finding my way back to old places..and finding my way into new places.

I'm doing well.

My friends are doing well.

Connected is doing well.

I had a shitstorm of ideas today..and I'm excited to work on new things. Planning charity events for December and parties. Helping random folks just.....because I can.

So my blog suffers a little bit.

I know you all understand.

The last few months...well they were really super shitty for me. And getting back on my feet took time and a lot of re-evaluating.

These days I log Blissie in and kinda walk away. Snuggle up on the couch with Mr. RL and.....it's like having the best of both worlds in a way.

If you'd asked me a year ago where I would be today..I don't think I could have imagined any of this in a million years. But..here we all are. Home again.

:) I like it.

I love my SL friends, and if anyone's short on some Blissie lovin', know that it's because I'm wrapped up in me these days. But I still love you. :)

I'll be home next weekend..(actually here when Blissie is logged in!) and I'll catch up on blogs and on everything. I promise.



:) A little early Thanksgiving appreciation. I *am* thankful for everything - the good and the bad. I am thankful for the people that have made me a better person..made me stronger, made me softer, made me whole. :) I love my little SL family and I wouldn't trade you fuckers for anything - not even custom made Moody's. *nods* That's some serious love, yo.

Hehehe.


XOXO,
B

My Chinese Food Fortune Cookie Today..

Put all your unhappiness aside, life is beautiful, be happy.


Sound advice. :)


XOXO,
Bliss

999 and Counting......

Well, kids. Today is my 999th day in Second Life.

Just stating that fact BLOWS me away.

999 days..of bullshitting around in a cartoon world.

999 days of shopping for cartoon stuff that I've worn once..and never used again. LOL

999 days of decorating and undecorating and redecorating.

999 days of making and breaking friendships.

Some people celebrate their 1,000th day. I kinda like my 999th day better. It's like being at the edge of a mountain just.....being.

Because that's kinda where I am right now. :) Happy just being.

I could sit here and dole out advice to noobs..or those younger than me in SL.

But here's the thing - it won't matter. I heard it all/saw it all. And I still made the same mistakes. I guess some lessons you have to learn for yourself.

So.

My advice is simple.

:) Just enjoy your SL and the people you're with. Don't get caught up in the drama - don't read too much into things, and don't hold on to things that don't make you feel good. Just..have fun. :P

I know..I say it a lot..and then don't take my own advice.

LOL!

Story of my life.

:) But I'm in an amazing place these days. Having fun with my friends..listening to great music (courtesy of THE sexiest DJs in SL)..working on projects for Connected. :) Just making my Second Life fabulous again.

Some days I wonder why I've logged in....

But when I get into the middle of my family..hop on a tip jar..lay on a couch..and I'm surrounded by the people I love best.. :) I know why.

Happy travels, kids!


XOXO,
Bliss

Who Says You Can't Go Home?

Yesterday I updated my blog a little..changed the title page. In my search for the perfect quote..I found the following lyrics:

“When you look into my eyes,
And you see the crazy gypsy in my soul,
It always comes as a surprise,
When I feel my withered roots begin to grow,
Well I never had a place that I could call my very own,
That's all right, my love,
'cause you're my home.”

~Billy Joel

I had no idea how much that quote would fit with today.

I went to visit Borday, who was rezzing someplace new to live. And he rezzed..The Skybox.

I capitalize..because..The Skybox..was our home..for more than a year. That house survived sim moves, club ownerships, jobs, friends, taste changes, seasons.....

That house was ultimately us. It wasn't just a house..it was home.

And when he rezzed it..I saw everything as it was. I saw the furniture..the poses..the moments..the conversations..the laughing..the fighting..the dancing..the everything.

I remember slow dancing in boxing gloves for hours..just talking. Sitting on pillows by the fireplace doing post-party rundowns. Racing each other to the bed at night before logging. Kissing under the mistletoe at Christmas time. :) Sitting by our Christmas tree and opening presents. Valentine's Day..birthdays...

That house..wasn't just a build. It wasn't just where I rezzed for the longest time. It was home. And some people ask..why do I need an SL home?

Well, to me..it's like.......having a place you can always be. It's a place that's just yours. Private. Safe. And what makes a house a home is simple: happiness. It's what makes our RL homes a "home". And it's the same for SL.

I've heard that you can never really go home again. I agree and disagree with that statement.

You CAN go home. You just cannot go home to the home you once knew. But home..a REAL home..is always there for you. It isn't about the name of your land..or the sim - it's about the way it makes you feel. Like..you've arrived. And you belong.

Mr. Moo will always be home to me - no matter how far we may travel from each other. I wish everyone were as lucky as I am..to have a home in SL that would always be there no matter how big or little the fuck ups were.

So for me..those song lyrics really meant a lot more today than they did yesterday. And I think it's kinda fate that I fell on them when I did.

What does it all mean? I don't know. :) I just know..that I'm thankful he's a part of my life. I'm thankful for the ups and downs. I'm thankful for it all.

It's been a long way..and I've travelled a lot. But it's time. Welcome back home, Blissie Boucher. :)




XOXO,
B

Week in Review..Plus Random Musings..

This week has been a STRANGE one.

:) But it ended up being a great week. Costume parties..Connected projects..hanging out with my friends. You know the deal. The things that make SL worth it all.

Went on a shopping spree (thanks Bev and Aeryn!), so I'm sporting new looks.

For my friends out there that are struggling with so many different issues, here's a little advice..John Mayer style...:

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say..

Sometimes..you just have to take a chance..a leap of faith. It may be worth it - it may not. There are no promises. BUT. Nothing's worse than wondering "What If?" and living with regret. :) Just always remember..no matter WHAT you say or do, your real friends will always pick you up, dust you off and help you find your way back home. So you're never as alone as you may think.

I learned that lesson first hand, kids.

On to the week in picture review!! Unfortunately, my favorite snapshot of the week was taken in world..and I'm too lazy right now to rezz it and take a picture for here.

:) But just know that 1) Jay Z is the King of New York and 2) I can only sing Rock-A-Bye Baby (totally off key) after a LOT of convincing. :P

And now..pictures! Enjoy!!!!

















Have a safe and happy Halloween! :)


XOXO,
B

Empire State of Mind

:) Gotta love Jay Z, baby.

Well, I do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5YpGjujUzs

Enjoy!!!

The Perfect One.....

Parkey's Pub sponsored a fundraiser for the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer charity. So we ALL got checked! :) 14,000L raised..and since the kiosk was left out, I'm sure more will be added to that.

I can't thank everyone for coming out..donating their lindens..donating their time...their ENERGY. I love you guys. :) I appreciate the support. Always.



XOXO,
B