Sunday, November 23, 2008

I Feel Like..


I'm so frustrated.

So tired.

So edgy.

I feel like..I've hit this wall..and I don't know what to do.

I feel like I can't get shit right anymore. Like the more I think I know, the less I really do know.

The more I try to wrap my head around things, the less I can understand them.

It goes down the line.'s all out of whack. I feel if I feel any more I'll just explode.

I shut down all parties in production for BP. I closed up the office and put my lindens to use elsewhere. I've laid too much responsibility on myself. Asked too much of me in an effort to not let anyone down. To be exciting and fun and entertaining.

I had a productive weekend in SL cleaning up some shit. I cleaned up my inventory..checked out new clubs..hit up new stores..hung out with old friends. I even got to watch part of a movie with a friend of mine that I haven't seen in months because I'm always busy and can never accept invites to watch him fight or coach or anything.

I got lost here somewhere. I don't know where. I used to wander SL and find all kinds of fun things. I'd discover sims..and stores..and gadgets..

And I stopped.

I don't know why. I can't remember the exact moment I decided to give up exploring and searching and hunting.

I feel like I work too much in RL. Like I go to sleep and wake up on the same topic. Like I relive the same day..over..and over..and over..

Maybe these are the just the aftershocks of my sleep issues. An overload on my mind.

I feel like I can't do my job forever. But I don't know what else to do.

In SL I feel like everything I say to Moo sends it all to fucking hell. Like he's not happy hanging around with me anymore. And the more I try to fix it, the worse I make it.

And I've come to realize, no matter how happy I am hanging around with my friends, it all feels so off when he and I aren't happy. He's stewing over my toaster post still. Believing that I have another toaster - but I don't. I'm a one toaster gal. And if I wanted another toaster, I'd say so. But I don't.

And I just want to fix everything.

And I'm a fixer. Love it or hate it, I am a fixer.

I once read a post Joonie made..about blowing it all up.

Well, I feel like blowing it all up. I now understand what she meant.

Maybe self-improvement isn't the answer. Maybe self-destruction is.

But I'm not self-destructive.

So I don't know what to do..and I don't know how to fix it all. And I'm stuck.

Holiday's coming up. I need the days off. From work. From life. From everything. Just to soak it all in.

Just to relax my tired mind.

You know where I am if you need me.



bigd Flanagan said...

Still the toaster shit eh? Oh my. Funny how somebody that spends so much time around you seems to be unclear on who you are.

Maybe you aren't the problem. There's an idea. I've been as insecure as anyone at times, but the operative term is "I".

Let it go dude. Move on and enjoy what you have. Otherwise you are creating a self-fulfilling prophesy.

What am I, Dr. Phil here? Live the best you can today, its amazing how tomorrow will invariably take care of itself.

Kimala said...

I hit that wall - or a similar wall a few weeks ago. I blogged about it too. Since then I really haven't felt much like blogging. I hate it when people make drama that doesn't need to be. I hate it when people decide to come into SL to have something other than fun. If it isn't fun - then you just can't do it. for Goddsake... it is a SECOND life, not a first. You know I love you. I don't ever want to imagine SL without you. I won't ride with any other drivers. Please come back after the holidays. My feet will be tired from walking.

You and I are both fixers. Sometimes - things don't need us to fix them. Sometimes - people have to fix themselves. And just sometimes... we don't have the fix they need.

You will always be my favorite girl in NYC. My sex in the city gf :) Take care of you. I need you around.