Merry Christmas!

Wow.  I haven't posted here in ages.


I was sitting around wrapping my Christmas gifts today playing Christmas music on Pandora...


And then I remembered all of the days and nights spent around this time of year with my friends in SL.  I remember Borday switching the land radio at our house to all Christmas music for me because he knew I loved Christmas music so much.  I remember Bev giving me a Christmas music only radio for one of my homes.  The Christmas parties - from ROBs to the Savoy and everywhere in between.  And the outfits!  Oh did I have Christmas outfits........


Crazy how things from like...seven years ago can stick in your head.


I thought about that first Christmas with all of my SL friends and all of the Christmas adventures that followed every year after.


Snowy cabins.  Tropical islands.  Skyboxes.  Train rides.  Exploring.  Treasure hunts.


How crazy is it all?


My Christmas wish is simple.  I hope that wherever my friends are, no matter how far we've wandered from each other, that they have an amazing Christmas filled with love and happiness.


Merry Christmas loves.  :)   








B

Letting Go..

Chocolate Cake Day

Love.....

This picture....

In so many ways, I can relate. 

This Song Is Perfect....

Guess it's true, I'm not good at a one-night stand
But I still need love 'cause I'm just a man
These nights never seem to go to plan
I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand?

Oh, won't you stay with me?
'Cause you're all I need
This ain't love it's clear to see
But darling, stay with me

Why am I so emotional?
No it's not a good look, gain some self control
And deep down I know this never works
But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt

Oh, won't you stay with me?
'Cause you're all I need
This ain't love it's clear to see
But darling, stay with me

Oh, won't you stay with me?
'Cause you're all I need
This ain't love it's clear to see
But darling, stay with me

Oh, won't you stay with me?
'Cause you're all I need
This ain't love it's clear to see
But darling, stay with me...

Maroon 5 - Maps

I miss taste of the sweet life
I miss the conversation
I'm searching for a song tonight
I'm changing all of the stations
I like to think that, we had it all
We drew a map to a better place
But on that road I took a fall
Oh baby why did you run away?

I was there for you
In your darkest times
I was there for you
In your darkest nights

But I wonder where were you
When I was at my worst
Down on my knees
And you said you had my back
So I wonder where were you
All the roads you took came back to me
So I'm following the map that leads to you
The map that leads to you
Ain't nothing I can do
The map that leads to you
Following, following, following to you
The map that leads to you
Ain't nothing I can do
The map that leads to you
Following, following, following

I hear your voice in my sleep at night
Hard to resist temptation
'Cause all these strangers come over me
Now I can't get over you
No I just can't get over you

I was there for you
In your darkest times
I was there for you
In your darkest nights

But I wonder where were you
When I was at my worst
Down on my knees
And you said you had my back
So I wonder where were you
All the roads you took came back to me
So I'm following the map that leads to you
The map that leads to you
Ain't nothing I can do
The map that leads to you
Following, following, following to you
The map that leads to you
Ain't nothing I can do
The map that leads to you

Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
Yeah yeah yeah
Oh oh

Oh I was there for you
Oh In you darkest times
Oh I was there for you
Oh In your darkest nights

Oh I was there for you
Oh In you darkest times
Oh I was there for you
Oh In your darkest nights

But I wonder where were you
When I was at my worst
Down on my knees
And you said you had my back
So I wonder where were you
All the roads you took came back to me
So I'm following the map that leads to you
The map that leads to you
Ain't nothing I can do
The map that leads to you
Following, following, following to you
The map that leads to you
Ain't nothing I can do
The map that leads to you
Following, following, following....

Life, Love and Everything in Between

Well, it's hella hot here in the fabulous NYC. So that made it prime time to do some cooking and cleaning and household stuff. 

And then I came across this quote. 

And how true is that?  I've been blessed to have so many amazing people in my life, and even so many people that used to be a part of my life. 

And they all have something in common. Their contribution to my life story has made me who I am.  The good things, the bad things, the stuff in between. 

Like everyone, I have my regrets. Things unsaid, never done, things I should have held back on - but I suppose that's my path - and it'll lead me where I need to be. 

I hope your story is as good as mine. Filled with love, laughter, and all the things that get you there - including heartbreak and sadness. 

And if you don't feel like the bad things lead you to something better, then just remember that you're not alone. 

B

World Blood Donor Day

Blood donations saved my dad's life more than once during his illness. 

If you can, please donate. If you can't, please spread the word. 

http://t.co/A6fKjwybd8

Reminder

Project Mermaids

Www.projectmermaids.com

About the project:

A day by the ocean sounds like part of the ideal life: waking up in the morning, go to the beach; relax to the sound of the waves crashing on the fresh sand. Sounds like a great way to start your day, to spend your vacations, the best place to watch the sunset, create memories. Yet, something has changed during the past years. The mass amount of trash, and the uncontrolled fishing are causing our oceans and beaches to become desolated, covered in trash like open dumps. People day by day are starting to understand that this attitude against our oceans is going to soon turn against us and few organizations are currently donating their time to open the eyes of the world. We consider this a great first step, but we need more. Our passion for the water, the ocean, and the beauty of this different ecosystem, got us together to get more people to see the astonishing beauty that is slowly dying because of our indifference. Our goal is to show how precious our ocean and beaches are, and how well people can function in and around it, photographing models and celebrities in the water, in and around the ocean wearing mermaid tails. The induced fear coming from years of stereotypes is defeated, with the knowledge that is up to everyone of us to keep this beautiful environment healthy and clean.

Photo: @lillyghalichi

She is...

Missing You

Good Advice

Happy Mother's Day!

Funny 3:30 AM musings...

Last Friday Night...

No. This Friday night. 

I drank my own personal carafe of wine. 

I ate too much. 

And I had some of the best girls night fun ever. 

And maybe I'm a little drunken. But maybe I'm not. 

I'm feeling very Fitzgerald tonight. Very indeed. 

C

Love

Happy Easter!!

Lots of love to you and yours!

Now Playing...

O

Ain't nothin' wrong with it...

I don't wanna give you the wrong impression

I need love and affection

And I hope I'm not sounding too desperate

I need love and affection

Love, love, love, love and affection

Love, love, L-O-V-E-E-E and affection

Oh baby, I'm not asking for the world, maybe

You can give me what I want

Baby, come hold me tight and when I'm drowning save me

Give it to me on a daily

If I'm your girl say my name boy

Let me know I'm in control

We both grown so how we feel we can let it show

I I I, won't play around

I I I, I wanna lay you down

I I I, I need you now, I need you now

Oh oh

I don't wanna give you the wrong impression

I need love and affection

And I hope I'm not sounding too desperate

I need love and affection

Love, love, love, love and affection

Love, love, L-O-V-E-E-E and affection

Boy lately, you've been stingy with your time

Got me wondering, I'm wondering if I'm on your mind

Boy I just wanna be in your possession

You say I'm the one you want so come express it

Don't slip, don't slip

Cause a nigga might push up on it

Don't really wanna lose this moment

Why window shop when you own this?

I I I don't put it down

I I I don't fuck around

I I I want you now, I want you now, oh oh whoah

I don't wanna give you the wrong impression

I need love and affection

And I hope I'm not sounding too desperate

I need love and affection

Love, love, love, love and affection

Love, love, L-O-V-E-E-E and affection

Can you love me for poor (let me know)?

I'm searching for my soul

Whoever turned you cold (beat this)

You need to let 'em know

I can work miracles (what's up?)

I work it physical (physical)

And when I love you close,

You can feel my heart beating thru my clothes

Future...

I don't wanna give you the wrong impression

I need love and affection

And I hope I'm not sounding too desperate

I need love and affection

Love, love, love, love and affection

Love, love, l.o.v.eeeeeee and affection

Truth

A little late night fun...

Not that kind, perv.  This is me. All the time. Confusing, I know. 

A little inspiration

Do you wanna build a snowman...?

Visiting Dad Today...

Visiting him. Leaving flowers. Saying prayers. Catching him up on events - even if he's already aware. ❤

Not a Bad Thing...

Oh, JT....

If you haven't heard it - give it a listen. 

What Is Loss?

That's a serious question, there.

What is loss?

Up until last July, I had no idea what the true answer to that question was.

See, for me....loss was breaking up with someone you loved.  Losing a boyfriend.  That was loss.  It was this void that eventually kind of faded away as you moved on. 

But real loss is this thing that you can never quite wrap your head around.  It's like this weird question mark in a way.  Kind of like you don't know the answer, and yet you do.

See, real loss is someone being there one day and then not being there the next.  It's someone's slippers going unworn.  Or their favorite sweater that the lived in....going unworn.  It's walking into your kitchen and seeing the same person sitting in the same spot..and then they're just not there anymore. 

Real loss isn't someone deciding to move on with their life.  You don't awkwardly run into them at the grocery store.  Or see them at a party hosted by mutual friends.  See, because the first loss I thought I knew...wasn't loss.  That person was still in the present.  You could, if you wanted to, call them.  See them.  Stalk them.  Whatever suits your fancy. 

Real loss is never having those options again.  Real loss is wanting to hear someone's voice, and only being able to hear it on replayed videos.  Or saved voicemails.  Real loss is wanting to smell them again.  But the lingering scent on their clothes only lasts for so long.  And then they smell like nothing.  Real loss is permanent.  And that's the thing. 

You wake up one morning and everything seems so normal for a split second.  And then, you remember that it's not.  Not because you constantly dwell on it....but because there are always reminders.  Songs, sounds, smells, foods....things that remind you of them.  Every now and then, I'd buy a cheese danish for my dad.  And it was such a stupid thing.  I'd buy it because it was his most favorite thing.  And then I'd remember he was dead.  Like in an instant, I'd forgotten.  And then end up crying over a stupid cheese danish.  Sounds insane, doesn't it?  It's been eight months and I still sometimes buy his favorite things at the grocery store out of habit.  Or I'll see one of the medications he took at the pharmacy and pick it up.  It's weird.  Every Sunday night I'd re-fill his medication box - so Sunday nights feel strange now.  Like I'm forgetting something. 

My brother-in-law's father died last May.  He was at dialysis and he suffered a massive heartattack.  He was unconcious when he was taken to the hospital and never woke up again.  His kidneys failed.  His heart failed.  He died without ever seeing his family that one last time.  They never got to hear his voice one last time.  There was no goodbye.  No apologies.  Nothing.  All that's left behind is the emptiness of loss.

I was really blessed in that respect.  Before my dad died I wrote him a very long letter.  He was in and out of conciousness for the most part.  Lucid when he was awake, but completely comatose otherwise.  We watched the sunrise from his hospital room window one morning and I read him my letter.  I apologized to him for everything.  I told him how much I loved him.  I got my time with him.  I got to hear him tell me he loved me.  He wiped my tears when I cried for him that morning.  I can't even find accurate words to convey how much that means to me today.  Before he died, I'd leave for work every morning and have this fear in me that today was the day.  He'd have a heartattack.  Or a stroke.  Or a seizure.  and I'd get that call.  And I was always afraid that I'd lose him and never get to say goodbye.  Or that last I love you.  Or that he would never know that even when I didn't say it, I was grateful for every single thing he ever taught me. 

This morning I got a call that my brother-in-law's sister's husband had a seizure during the night and he was on life support. He is 47 years old.  The reality being that...he's not ever waking up.  His heart has stopped three times today.  My brother-in-law's sister takes my niece to school every day.  Her husband brings her to work every day.  We wave to each other.  Every day.  He's a part of my daily routine.  He's always pleasant.  Always kind.  Whenever she talks about him she lights up.  They've been together for 17 years..and she still lights up.  Now she's sitting at his hospital bedside.  Waiting for a miracle.  And I know the outcome.  She's going to lose her husband like she lost her dad.  Without ever getting to say goodbye.  Or ever getting in that last I love you.  Or ever hearing his voice again.  It hasn't even been a year and she and her son will have lost the only two men that have ever been in their lives.  That breaks my heart.  That loss.  That's the loss that breaks you as a person.  I spoke to her..and she said she just wanted to go with him. 

Since my dad died, I've had this bizarre numb feeling inside of me.  Numb to everything.  Not because I don't care about things.  But because a small part of me feels like my person is gone.  The one person I put the most effort into saving..was gone.  And it didn't matter how hard I tried, he was gone forever.

That's real loss.  Real loss is heartbreaking and you never recover from it.  You still search crowds for their face.  Still forget and do things out of habit for them.  I've come to equate going through real loss to a never ending subway ride.  You sit in your seat, everything goes by in a blur.  You see places..and things..and people.  But you never really see them.  After a while you've stopped looking.  Because it's all so routine.  The same thing.  Almost the same day on repeat.  Nothing changes.  Nothing draws a reaction from you.  Nothing really matters.

And when I started this three hours ago..I didn't know what I wanted to write.  Just that I needed to write. 

And if you made it this far in this shitty fucking post.....thanks.

International women's day

Lifehouse

The sentiment is beautiful...

Happy Valentine's Day

Hmmmm...

I love this. 

Ladies

Dolly Parton

Truth

Save time. Replace your mirror with this.

Little love

Some bits of my day...

Running, writing, making cake pops. 

That was my day. 

3 AM

I could really go for a cherry Popsicle right now. 

Like. Really. 

That is all. 

Happy New Year!