Visiting him. Leaving flowers. Saying prayers. Catching him up on events - even if he's already aware. ❤
Showing posts with label Dad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dad. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Goodnight My Sweet Love
It's with the heaviest of hearts that I let you all know that my dad passed away on Thursday. He has been very sick for the last two months and in and out of the hospital. His liver was compromised by the cancer, and failed him.
I don't even have words to convey how heartbroken I am. I miss him so very much every minute of every day. He was the most amazing father I could have ever asked for. He was kind, generous, sweet, funny and loving.
I wish him nothing but peace and love and light. And if he can, I hope he watches over me from above as he always did in life.
A lot of you have been on this long journey with myself and my dad - and you all know it was a hard one. But we were blessed with three more years than we expected. I can't thank you all enough for your love and support over these last few years - you'll never know how much it truly meant to me.
Thank you.
This was the last sunrise we watched together from his hospital bed. It seemed so beautiful at the time - and now, it is even more beautiful to me because I'll never be able to do this again with him.
Cheryl
Monday, October 29, 2012
An October Day....
Well. Since I've been missing for some time, let me recap my last..month.
1. Dad spent two weeks in the hospital after developing a fever and an accelerated heart rate that caused his defibrillator to shock him twice. They did 151 tests on him and he spent 21 days on IV antibiotics. So even after he came home, I had to learn how to flush and administer the IV for him. Which, essentially, was not hard - just scary.
The only bright side during all of this was that a PET scan was repeated and they found that his cancer has responded to the three chemo treatments he was able to have. The downside is, his chemo has now been delayed more than a month between his hospital stay and the impending hurricane.
2. During my dad's stay, I ended up in the emergency room with a horrible cough, numbness in my arms and an accelerated heart rate. Nobody knows what is wrong with me. Not the ER doctors, not the internist, not the pulmonary specialist. I've seen three different specialists..had ten different blood tests..an MRI..CT scans..and I have an appointment with the cardiologist next. Woohoo.
3. There's a hurricane coming. It's not due to hit until late tonight/early tomorrow, but parts of NYC are already flooded. Mass transit has been completely suspended for the second time in history - which is insane because that stuff runs even during blizzards. I might brave the storm and go sit in a hammock in my backyard because..if I spend one more minute in this house with my family..I may choke them all to death.
ANYWAY!
That's been my October. I hope you're all faring better than I. Hopefully November will be better. Deep breath. Positive thoughts. Lots of love and light.
That's all.
Love you.
XOXO,
Bliss
1. Dad spent two weeks in the hospital after developing a fever and an accelerated heart rate that caused his defibrillator to shock him twice. They did 151 tests on him and he spent 21 days on IV antibiotics. So even after he came home, I had to learn how to flush and administer the IV for him. Which, essentially, was not hard - just scary.
The only bright side during all of this was that a PET scan was repeated and they found that his cancer has responded to the three chemo treatments he was able to have. The downside is, his chemo has now been delayed more than a month between his hospital stay and the impending hurricane.
2. During my dad's stay, I ended up in the emergency room with a horrible cough, numbness in my arms and an accelerated heart rate. Nobody knows what is wrong with me. Not the ER doctors, not the internist, not the pulmonary specialist. I've seen three different specialists..had ten different blood tests..an MRI..CT scans..and I have an appointment with the cardiologist next. Woohoo.
3. There's a hurricane coming. It's not due to hit until late tonight/early tomorrow, but parts of NYC are already flooded. Mass transit has been completely suspended for the second time in history - which is insane because that stuff runs even during blizzards. I might brave the storm and go sit in a hammock in my backyard because..if I spend one more minute in this house with my family..I may choke them all to death.
ANYWAY!
That's been my October. I hope you're all faring better than I. Hopefully November will be better. Deep breath. Positive thoughts. Lots of love and light.
That's all.
Love you.
XOXO,
Bliss
Sunday, September 23, 2012
It's 3:25 AM....
...and I'm sitting here typing.
These last few weeks have been so...fucking horrible.
Last Friday we got the results back from the oncologist about my dad.
His prostate cancer has returned, except it has mutated into a rare and aggressive form that is attacking the liver and lymph nodes.
I love the oncologist - I do. I find him to be extremely responsive. But I also find that he's also very...matter of fact. Which, I'm sure in his line of work he needs to be. So he said we had two options..
We could start chemo or we could choose no treatment.
The reality is, there is no cure for cancer.
Only a treatment that, most likely, will have to be administered for the rest of his life - however long that may be.
Friday we got the news, his first treatment was scheduled for Tuesday. Not a lot of time to digest or process.
Oh. And in the middle of all of this, was my birthday.
I'll just shorten it to say this was, quite possibly, the worst birthday I've had yet - putting aside the birthday that came around post 9/11 in 2001.
So his first treatment went insanely horrible.
He was a complete corpse by the time he got home - after 9 hours at the hospital getting chemo, blood tests, CT scans. He had to be physically carried into the house and up the stairs.
His words were so slurred, we had no idea what he was saying.
The only bright side was that he wasn't incredibly sick - no vomiting or anything like that.
He's just now coming back around - in time for his second dose on Tuesday.
I spent the first few days bawling in bed. I feel like...he's been through so much, that him getting so sick now is so unfair. Every step forward he takes...he gets knocked five steps back. And after that I got into Go Mode - and it's been Go Mode ever since. Truthfully, I've been in Go Mode since 2009 when he first got sick.
My heart is breaking every day. He's so frail now. My Superman can barely walk. And every time I look at him, I know deep down that there is a very real chance that he will not survive this treatment or this sickness.
The doctor doesn't give a time frame for his life - they're doctors, not God. But I guess..he didn't walk in a say "he's got three months to live, there's nothing we can do." He said it was treatable and it will help to ease the pain he's in. I am thankful for those "silver linings".
The first cycle is supposed to be about four weeks of treatment - and depending on how the cancer responds, the next course of action will be decided.
My mom's a wreck. She cries all the time. I can't imagine losing the person you've loved for almost 50 years. Watching them slowly disappear right before your eyes. The day the doctor told us everything, after he left the room, my mom hugged my dad and cried. He has short-term memory loss, so for the most part he has no idea what's wrong with him. But as always, he hugged her back and told her not to worry - everything would be fine and he was going to beat this. That made me cry. Because for the first time in weeks, he sounded like my dad; reassuring and loving - but he didn't know enough to be scared for himself. What he said to her was completely reflex and habit.
So it's now almost 4 in the morning...and I'm up. And after writing all of this, I'm crying. Mostly for selfish reasons. Because I don't know if my dad is strong enough to survive the chemo and to fight the cancer. He's 72. He takes so much medication..it's mind blowing. He was supposed to die three years ago at the kitchen table. But for some reason he didn't, and he has suffered every day since. I know if he knew better he'd be miserable the way he is - because this isn't living anymore. And yet, I still can't come to terms with losing him or letting him go.
I thought writing this might be cathartic for me....but it's not. It's hard. And it hurts. And sometimes it hurts so much that I can't breathe because he's dying and I can't stop it. I can't fight it for him, and I can't do anything but be helpless. And that fucking KILLS me.
Now I'm tired and maybe I'll lay down for a little. But before I go..here's something for you to share.
B
These last few weeks have been so...fucking horrible.
Last Friday we got the results back from the oncologist about my dad.
His prostate cancer has returned, except it has mutated into a rare and aggressive form that is attacking the liver and lymph nodes.
I love the oncologist - I do. I find him to be extremely responsive. But I also find that he's also very...matter of fact. Which, I'm sure in his line of work he needs to be. So he said we had two options..
We could start chemo or we could choose no treatment.
The reality is, there is no cure for cancer.
Only a treatment that, most likely, will have to be administered for the rest of his life - however long that may be.
Friday we got the news, his first treatment was scheduled for Tuesday. Not a lot of time to digest or process.
Oh. And in the middle of all of this, was my birthday.
I'll just shorten it to say this was, quite possibly, the worst birthday I've had yet - putting aside the birthday that came around post 9/11 in 2001.
So his first treatment went insanely horrible.
He was a complete corpse by the time he got home - after 9 hours at the hospital getting chemo, blood tests, CT scans. He had to be physically carried into the house and up the stairs.
His words were so slurred, we had no idea what he was saying.
The only bright side was that he wasn't incredibly sick - no vomiting or anything like that.
He's just now coming back around - in time for his second dose on Tuesday.
I spent the first few days bawling in bed. I feel like...he's been through so much, that him getting so sick now is so unfair. Every step forward he takes...he gets knocked five steps back. And after that I got into Go Mode - and it's been Go Mode ever since. Truthfully, I've been in Go Mode since 2009 when he first got sick.
My heart is breaking every day. He's so frail now. My Superman can barely walk. And every time I look at him, I know deep down that there is a very real chance that he will not survive this treatment or this sickness.
The doctor doesn't give a time frame for his life - they're doctors, not God. But I guess..he didn't walk in a say "he's got three months to live, there's nothing we can do." He said it was treatable and it will help to ease the pain he's in. I am thankful for those "silver linings".
The first cycle is supposed to be about four weeks of treatment - and depending on how the cancer responds, the next course of action will be decided.
My mom's a wreck. She cries all the time. I can't imagine losing the person you've loved for almost 50 years. Watching them slowly disappear right before your eyes. The day the doctor told us everything, after he left the room, my mom hugged my dad and cried. He has short-term memory loss, so for the most part he has no idea what's wrong with him. But as always, he hugged her back and told her not to worry - everything would be fine and he was going to beat this. That made me cry. Because for the first time in weeks, he sounded like my dad; reassuring and loving - but he didn't know enough to be scared for himself. What he said to her was completely reflex and habit.
So it's now almost 4 in the morning...and I'm up. And after writing all of this, I'm crying. Mostly for selfish reasons. Because I don't know if my dad is strong enough to survive the chemo and to fight the cancer. He's 72. He takes so much medication..it's mind blowing. He was supposed to die three years ago at the kitchen table. But for some reason he didn't, and he has suffered every day since. I know if he knew better he'd be miserable the way he is - because this isn't living anymore. And yet, I still can't come to terms with losing him or letting him go.
I thought writing this might be cathartic for me....but it's not. It's hard. And it hurts. And sometimes it hurts so much that I can't breathe because he's dying and I can't stop it. I can't fight it for him, and I can't do anything but be helpless. And that fucking KILLS me.
Now I'm tired and maybe I'll lay down for a little. But before I go..here's something for you to share.
B
Thursday, August 16, 2012
I Wish......
I kind of wish that I could freeze time. Pick a moment and leave my world that way.
My dad had a second surgery for his prostate cancer back in June. All seemed to go well.
Last week he started having back pain and really bad stomach pain. So we took him to the emergency room.
Sadly, the doctors told us that they've discovered lesions on his liver. They believe the prostate cancer has spread to his liver.
I can't quite convey how broken my heart is. I wish I could take away his pain. I wish I could make him better and let him live his life in peace.
I'd gladly take his pain and suffering if it meant he didn't have to have it.
We're meeting with the oncologist on Friday, and hopefully we can find a way to ease his pain and make things easier on him. In three years I have learned all there is to know about the heart, the brain and the prostate. I can read blood test reports with the best of them now.
I'm tired. And I wish I could slip into Second Life and hide from my first life. But that's not an option now.
Hope all is well with you all. Sending lots of love and light your way.
XOXO,
B
My dad had a second surgery for his prostate cancer back in June. All seemed to go well.
Last week he started having back pain and really bad stomach pain. So we took him to the emergency room.
Sadly, the doctors told us that they've discovered lesions on his liver. They believe the prostate cancer has spread to his liver.
I can't quite convey how broken my heart is. I wish I could take away his pain. I wish I could make him better and let him live his life in peace.
I'd gladly take his pain and suffering if it meant he didn't have to have it.
We're meeting with the oncologist on Friday, and hopefully we can find a way to ease his pain and make things easier on him. In three years I have learned all there is to know about the heart, the brain and the prostate. I can read blood test reports with the best of them now.
I'm tired. And I wish I could slip into Second Life and hide from my first life. But that's not an option now.
Hope all is well with you all. Sending lots of love and light your way.
XOXO,
B
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Happy Birthday, Dad!
Two years ago, my dad died at the kitchen table. Like..literally keeled over and died. And after a long period of uncertainty, he's home and well.
AND NOW.
Today he's celebrating his 71st birthday. I'm blessed in so many ways..but most of all, I'm truly blessed to be able to celebrate one more birthday with him.
Life is so short, and everything can change in a heartbeat. Be thankful for the ones you love, and the ones who love you.
Have a greay day..I know I am.
XOXO
B
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