It's 3:25 AM....

...and I'm sitting here typing. 

These last few weeks have been so...fucking horrible.

Last Friday we got the results back from the oncologist about my dad. 

His prostate cancer has returned, except it has mutated into a rare and aggressive form that is attacking the liver and lymph nodes.

I love the oncologist - I do.  I find him to be extremely responsive.  But I also find that he's also very...matter of fact.  Which, I'm sure in his line of work he needs to be.  So he said we had two options..

We could start chemo or we could choose no treatment.

The reality is, there is no cure for cancer.

Only a treatment that, most likely, will have to be administered for the rest of his life - however long that may be. 

Friday we got the news, his first treatment was scheduled for Tuesday.  Not a lot of time to digest or process. 

Oh.  And in the middle of all of this, was my birthday.

I'll just shorten it to say this was, quite possibly, the worst birthday I've had yet - putting aside the birthday that came around post 9/11 in 2001.

So his first treatment went insanely horrible.

He was a complete corpse by the time he got home - after 9 hours at the hospital getting chemo, blood tests, CT scans.  He had to be physically carried into the house and up the stairs.

His words were so slurred, we had no idea what he was saying.

The only bright side was that he wasn't incredibly sick - no vomiting or anything like that.

He's just now coming back around - in time for his second dose on Tuesday. 

I spent the first few days bawling in bed.  I feel like...he's been through so much, that him getting so sick now is so unfair.  Every step forward he takes...he gets knocked five steps back.  And after that I got into Go Mode - and it's been Go Mode ever since.  Truthfully, I've been in Go Mode since 2009 when he first got sick.    

My heart is breaking every day.  He's so frail now.  My Superman can barely walk.  And every time I look at him, I know deep down that there is a very real chance that he will not survive this treatment or this sickness.

The doctor doesn't give a time frame for his life - they're doctors, not God.  But I guess..he didn't walk in a say "he's got three months to live, there's nothing we can do."  He said it was treatable and it will help to ease the pain he's in.  I am thankful for those "silver linings".

The first cycle is supposed to be about four weeks of treatment - and depending on how the cancer responds, the next course of action will be decided.

My mom's a wreck.  She cries all the time.  I can't imagine losing the person you've loved for almost 50 years.  Watching them slowly disappear right before your eyes.  The day the doctor told us everything, after he left the room, my mom hugged my dad and cried.  He has short-term memory loss, so for the most part he has no idea what's wrong with him.  But as always, he hugged her back and told her not to worry - everything would be fine and he was going to beat this.  That made me cry.  Because for the first time in weeks, he sounded like my dad; reassuring and loving - but he didn't know enough to be scared for himself.  What he said to her was completely reflex and habit.  

So it's now almost 4 in the morning...and I'm up.  And after writing all of this, I'm crying.  Mostly for selfish reasons.  Because I don't know if my dad is strong enough to survive the chemo and to fight the cancer.  He's 72.  He takes so much medication..it's mind blowing.  He was supposed to die three years ago at the kitchen table.  But for some reason he didn't, and he has suffered every day since.  I know if he knew better he'd be miserable the way he is - because this isn't living anymore.  And yet, I still can't come to terms with losing him or letting him go. 

I thought writing this might be cathartic for me....but it's not.  It's hard.  And it hurts.  And sometimes it hurts so much that I can't breathe because he's dying and I can't stop it.  I can't fight it for him, and I can't do anything but be helpless.  And that fucking KILLS me.

Now I'm tired and maybe I'll lay down for a little.  But before I go..here's something for you to share.

B

The Puppy Mill Cover-Up

What is a puppy mill?  According to Wikipedia, a puppy mill, sometimes known as a puppy farm, is a commercial dog breeding facility that is operated with an emphasis upon profits above animal welfare and is often in substandard conditions regarding the well-being of dogs in their care. 

Translation?  It's where they force dogs to reproduce - without caring about their health or safety.

The American and Westminster kennel clubs state that responsible breeders raise their animals with the intent to produce healthy dogs, and to ensure that all animals are provided responsible homes and socialization.  
In puppy mills, females are sometimes bred every time they are in heat to increase profits, resulting in gradually decreasing sizes of litters.  As puppies, mill dogs are also often weaned from their mothers well before the eight to ten weeks recommended.

Bark Rescue in Belleview, IL also explains, “Puppies are taken from their mother when they are 5 to 6 weeks old and sold to brokers who pack them in crates for resale to pet stores all over the country.” Only half of the puppies survive during this exhausting travel only to make it to the pet shop until they are sold.   Dogs in puppy mills are often bred indiscriminately. While the puppies produced may come with pedigrees, the pedigree itself is neither an indication of quality nor authenticity.

But here's the thing - a responsible person might go to a pet store and try to ask questions.  Because truthfully, no dog lover would want to knowingly buy from a Puppy Mill, right?  But just because you ask the right questions, doesn't mean you're going to get truthful answers.  Here's "Pet Store Double Speak" as provided by the Humane Society, so you can recognize the half-truths when you hear them:

Pet stores say: "Our puppies come from breeders, not puppy mills."

The word breeder is not an exclusive term. Anyone who puts two dogs together and produces puppies is, technically, a breeder.  Truly responsible breeders do not sell their puppies to pet stores, they want to meet their puppy buyers in person and do not sell their puppies to the first person who shows up with cash in hand. Most breed club's Code of Ethics state that their breeders refuse to sell their dogs to pet dealers or any other commercial sources of distribution.

"All of our puppies come from USDA-inspected facilities, so we know they are not from puppy mills."

Being USDA or government inspected does not mean that the business is not a puppy mill, any more than having a driver's license guarantees that the holder is a good driver. Unfortunately, most USDA-licensed breeders house dozens or even hundreds of breeding dogs in small wire cages for their entire lives—and sadly, this is legal under current USDA regulations, which require only minimal standards of food, water and shelter. But many USDA facilities have been found in violation of even these minimal standards. It is extremely rare for the USDA to revoke a commercial breeder's license or even fine a puppy mill that has repeated violations. There are hundreds of USDA-licensed puppy mills in operation that have long lists of violations and problems associated with them and yet regularly sell to pet stores.

"We know our breeders are not puppy mills because we only deal with breeders we know."

If a pet store manager tells you this, ask to see documentation that shows exactly where their suppliers are located. In most cases, you will find out that the breeders they "know" are in distant states. The store manager's definition of "knowing" a breeder often just means they have been receiving shipments of puppies from the same place repeatedly. In most cases, the owner or manager has never visited the breeder's facility or inspected their records. Our investigations have revealed that even when store staff claim they inspect their facilities or hand-pick their puppies, often it is not true.

"We don't sell puppies from local breeders because our state is not regulated, but (the state the puppies come from) is."

Commercial breeders in all states who sell wholesale to pet stores are required to be regulated by the USDA. Some states (such as Missouri and Pennsylvania) also require a state kennel license and state inspections. This does not mean that puppies from Missouri or Pennsylvania are healthier. In fact, these states have two of the worst concentrations of puppy mills in the United States.

"Our store's puppies are healthy—they come with a health certificate from a licensed veterinarian."

A health certificate is not a bonus but is required for any puppy sold commercially across state lines. It only means that the puppy has had a very brief "wellness" check by a veterinarian. This examination does not include testing the puppy or his or her parents for genetic disorders, parasites, or testing for diseases such as Giardia and Brucellosis, both of which are contagious to humans and are frequently seen in puppy mill puppies.

"Our puppies come with a health guarantee."

Read health guarantees very carefully. They are often designed to protect the store's interests more than yours. They can be full of exclusions and loopholes, and often require you to return a sick puppy to the store in order to get a refund. The store management will often use the puppy's health certificate as proof that the animal was healthy when he or she left the store, leaving the buyer helpless if the puppy becomes sick just a few hours or days after purchase.

"Consumers know our puppies are from good breeders because they are registered and come with papers."

Purebred registration papers (from one of many kennel clubs or other dog registries) are only a record of a puppy's parents (and sometimes earlier generations). Puppy mills routinely sell puppies with papers from prestigious sounding kennel clubs. Registration papers do nothing to ensure that an individual puppy (or his or her parents) is healthy or free of genetic defects, or that they were raised in a humane and clean environment.

"We know this is a good breeder. We've never had a problem with any of their puppies."

Keep in mind that even facilities with mostly healthy puppies and problem-free inspection reports may be keeping dozens or even hundreds of breeding dogs in cages for their entire lives. These parent dogs live behind bars from birth until death, without ever feeling grass under their feet, enjoying a treat or toy, or having loving human contact or proper veterinary care. They are bred repeatedly until they can no longer reproduce, and then they are destroyed or discarded.

It's so hard to tell, isn't it?  Those answers SOUNDED like good answers.  But they're actually doubletalk. 

At the end of the day, in my honest opinion, the most responsible thing you could ever do is to adopt a dog.  Rescue shelters are overflowing..and puppy mills are constantly breeding.  If you don't support the puppy mill business, then they can't exist. And if you support the rescue shelters?  Well.  You're saving the life of a dog that will probably be the best friend you ever had. 

So it's win-win for everyone. 

 This Public Service Announcement was brought to you by the Concerned Bloggers Association. If you would like to become involved, please contact Marleen Vaughan for more information.


XOXO,
Blissie and Bear Boucher  :)

Sunday Love

Bought a new skybox this weekend, and this little post-it came with it on the desk.

Despite the spelling error, I thought it was a great sentiment.

Spreading love and light will always be a wonderful way to live - even during the worst of times.

Happy Sunday.  Pass it on!



XOXO,
B

Well..

First, I really want to thank everyone that has sent their love and support for my dad.  I truly appreciate it.

We were finally able to have his lymph node biopsy done yesterday morning - so we have a meeting with the oncologist scheduled for September 14th. 

He's in a lot of pain, and it's kind of to the point where he can't really walk now.  My heart is so broken.  I don't know how to help him anymore. 

So hopefully by next Friday we'll know what we're dealing with...and we can treat him - provided it's treatable.

Right now, it's a quiet Saturday with a lot of rain for the rest of the day.  So maybe I'll see you guys in world or something soon.

Love you. 



B

I Wish......

I kind of wish that I could freeze time. Pick a moment and leave my world that way.

My dad had a second surgery for his prostate cancer back in June. All seemed to go well.

Last week he started having back pain and really bad stomach pain. So we took him to the emergency room.

Sadly, the doctors told us that they've discovered lesions on his liver. They believe the prostate cancer has spread to his liver.

I can't quite convey how broken my heart is. I wish I could take away his pain. I wish I could make him better and let him live his life in peace.

I'd gladly take his pain and suffering if it meant he didn't have to have it.

We're meeting with the oncologist on Friday, and hopefully we can find a way to ease his pain and make things easier on him. In three years I have learned all there is to know about the heart, the brain and the prostate. I can read blood test reports with the best of them now.

I'm tired. And I wish I could slip into Second Life and hide from my first life. But that's not an option now.

Hope all is well with you all. Sending lots of love and light your way.


XOXO,
B

I Believe..

Sharing a little love with you today.  :)

The Art of Forgiveness

Media outlets everywhere are all overflowing with the Kristen Stewart/Rupert Sanders affair pictures.  Everyone's got an opinion.  Everyone's got a story.

Well, he's the reality.  You can feel whatever you want - it doesn't make a difference.  It all boils down to forgiveness between Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson and Rupert Sanders and Liberty Ross.  If they can all truly forgive each other, then they can "let go".  If not, then they need to move on.  Carry their hurt off with them like suitcases and move on until they can eventually lose that luggage somewhere. 

Sometimes, forgiving someone can be a very, very tricky thing. 

I think it's in our nature to hold on to pain and heartache - we use these things as fuel.  Some turn this fuel into creative projects - music, writing, art, etc.  Others turn it into hate.  Regardless of what you do with it, it's always a hard thing to "let go". 

What does that even mean?  Let go.  I can't honestly say.  I've let go of heartache before.  But, it's always still there somehow.  A dull ache that just lessens over time.  I don't dwell on it 24/7.  And I think that's what letting go really means.  Just to let go as much as possible, because you will never truly release hurt.  It's always there..like a scar, I guess.  A reminder of your past.

Even if you forgive someone for cheating on you, can you ever truly trust them again?  Or do you carry nagging doubt with you everywhere?

Well, that's a very personal call.

For what it's worth, I think the blame being laid on Kristen Stewart alone is ridiculous.  A married, father of two should know better - and he is just as culpable, if not more. 

I think they did a stupid thing and got caught up in a feeling.  And I think.....ultimately..everyone is human.  We all make mistakes..choose the wrong path and fuck shit up.  It doesn't make it right - just makes it life; messy and uncontrollable. 

If we can accept our role and fair share of blame in the situation and genuinely ask for forgiveness, then I think we've taken one step in the right direction.

And to the people judging?  And throwing around words like whore and slut...well...if you've never made a bad decision in your life EVER..feel free to continue.  But if you have...?  Pipe down.  

And that's all from me today.



XOXO,
B

Everyday Meditation

I saw this blog on how to de-stress and slow down in your usual hectic life and thought I'd share from the Birchbox Blog:

DURING YOUR RUSH HOUR COMMUTE

Count your breaths. Try this 1:4:2 breathing technique. Inhale for one count, hold that breath spaciously in your body for four counts, and then exhale for two counts. Practice a few times. Then double it; inhale for two counts, hold for eight counts, then exhale for four. Then, double that; inhale for four, hold for 16 while opening your body to make more and more space to hold that breath, then exhale for eight counts.
This is incredibly healing. It can help regulate our hormonal and immune systems, provide energy for our nerves, heart and lungs, and also give us something to focus on.

WHEN YOU’RE RUNNING TO HAPPY HOUR AFTER A LONG DAY

Practically speaking, hydrate. For energy, I like to put a stick of Yoga Earth Balance into my water for extra Vitamin B and electrolytes.
Also, try taking a Reiki pause: place one hand on your heart and the other on your belly. Breathe until the intensity and velocity of your breathing is even in both places. This is a super efficient way to get truly grounded. I love it when I only have two minutes.

WHEN YOU’RE TAKING CARE OF EVERYONE BUT YOURSELF

Schedule your time. Period. Make it a sacred law that this is your time.

:)  Hope you're having a great day, loves.

And if you've never tried Birchbox, then you ABSOLUTELY must.  It's phenomenal - and every lady needs a little phenomenal in her life. 



XOXO,
B

Concerned Bloggers: Exercise and Depression/Anxiety

When I've had a really bad day, I grab my iPod, plug my headphones in and I hit the ground running.  Literally.  I can go anywhere from 3 to 7 miles - depending on how much energy I have.

And when I'm done?  I feel light years better.  My head is clearer..I don't feel as overwhelmed - the running helps keep me sane.

According to the Mayo Clinic (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression-and-exercise/MH00043), the links between anxiety, depression and exercise aren't entirely clear — but working out can definitely help you relax and make you feel better. Exercise may also help keep anxiety and depression from coming back once you're feeling better.

Exercise probably helps ease depression in a number of ways, which may include:

• Releasing feel-good brain chemicals that may ease depression (neurotransmitters and endorphins)
• Reducing immune system chemicals that can worsen depression
• Increasing body temperature, which may have calming effects

Doing 30 minutes or more of exercise a day for three to five days a week can significantly improve depression symptoms. But smaller amounts of activity — as little as 10 to 15 minutes at a time — can make a difference. It may take less time exercising to improve your mood when you do more-vigorous activities, such as running or bicycling.

The mental health benefits of exercise may last only if you stick with it over the long term — another good reason to focus on finding activities you enjoy.

Note sure of what you like?  Well, there are so many options!

Running, strength training, yoga, dance..those are just SOME of the many different types of exercise that you can do on your own or in a class!


Of course before you begin anything, talk to your doctor or other mental health provider for guidance and support. Discuss concerns about an exercise program and how it fits into your overall treatment plan.

And if you already exercise regularly but anxiety or depression symptoms still interfere with your daily living, see your doctor or other mental health provider. Exercise is a great way to ease symptoms of anxiety or depression, but it isn't a substitute for psychotherapy or medications.

As always, sending lots of love and light your way.  :)


XOXO,

Bliss

Circle chart picture borrowed from http://scrampinmama.blogspot.com/2010/01/one-little-word-2010-healthy.html.

This Public Service Announcement was brought to you by the Concerned Bloggers Association.
If you would like to become involved, please contact Marleen Vaughan for more information.

Happy Mother's Day!

I know it's late in the day, but Happy Mother's Day to all of the amazing moms out there.

Hope you had a wonderful day.

XOXO,
B